Random Tuesday Thoughts

1. There are just days when the phrase,"Dude are you for real?" just doesn't adequately describe how you're feeling. I should've known today would be *interesting* when I walked into the living room and mom was trying to get a chicken recipe from my grandmother and Gram swore she didn't have it. Five minutes after that conversation Gram called and said she remembered the recipe,while she was in the bathroom,and I cringed. Ummm...sorry, no matter what I'm not eating that chicken. NO! SHE DID NOT HAVE TO MENTION THE TOILET,OKAY!!!! As you can tell I am profoundly disturbed by this and my dad did not help matters. "Some people go into the bathroom to shit and stink," he said. "and some go to sit and think."

2. Oh, and this was not the thing that stunned me the most. I was sitting in my math class when the teacher looked up and asked one of my fellow students,"Is that a math book?" Quickly, that got put away or so we thought. Minutes later she looks up and spots him again! UGH! I wanted to blow up the back or the room. Anyway, at 3:15 I was so thrilled to watch out the door.

3. Sean is super awesome as usual. He called me today and said,"Do you realize that we're going to get to do more then hold hands if we want when I visit?" Gee, the thought had never entered my mind. ::giggle:: "Let's just work on getting to know one another."I said. "Yup. I'm on your time,Sweetie." he said. It was nice to hear, I must admit. In any case, I'm just looking forward to being able to talk to him face to face.

4. Pitchers and catchers report SOON! I am so excited. Can't ya tell? It's quite a sight around here folks. My calender is marked up with games and I even set up my own classes so I'd be home when games were on, and I'm hoping that the games against teams like Oakland are on the days I have off so I'm not up mega late on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

5. Mom and dad are watching The Biggest Looser,Tiff and FBIL are at a friends house with the boys and I'm watching One Life to Live. I love this show. I am addicted to this one and it's not just because of Michael Easton but I love Mark Lawson. Brody Lovett. Here he is. He's so stinkin' hot. He plays a former Marine turned cop. Hello. Come rescue me,Baby!

6. What is up with the I Can't Believe it's Not Butter commericials? I'm afraid. I have been having a nightmare about the giant tube of butter and Megan Mullally. They both are standing over my bed, they wake me up and make me dance with them while Gloria Estefan sings 'Turn the Beat Around". I have to hide under my blankets to make it go away.

7. I need a hot chocolate. Some marshmallows and some hot coco. I need some. I'm cold. My teeth were chattering as I walked up to G building today. The end result? A small cup of Asian Vegetable soup. Mom's making kale soup tomorrow. I'm so jazzed. Pray for snow for me. I NEED A DAY OFF LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS,BABY!

8. The absolutely awesome Keeley mentioned her mother in law saves Cool Whip containers and guess what? She's not alone. GRAM HAS TONS OF'EM! She claims they are like plates and to a certain extent they do work. It's easier to part with those then the expensive Tuperware my brother takes and NEVER seems to return.

9. Ladies and gentleman,testicles. Thank you! Sorry, I'm allowed a Peter Griffen moment,right?

10. My dad's bird, Mariah, just spit seeds on me and water. That means I've been spit on by a bird and an Asian elephant. It'a unique that I've been spit on by two different species. It's totally strange. I may be the only person with the exception of a zookeeper whose been spit on by exotic animals.

11. Sean asked me to be his Valentine this year. AWW! He texted me after I mentioned I was having a lousy day and he said,"Be my Valentine." It was sweet. I mentioned that a guy doesn't usually ask and he doesn't usually send me a card and maybe some other goodies. (I suspect chocolate becuase HE KNOWS I LOVE CHOCOLATE!)

11. Had an awesome auntie moment before school. Collin was sitting on the couch and he pulled his shirt up. While he sitting there and I'm crouched in front of him and that's when he said it. "I love you." he told me. I just about melted into a raging puddle of auntie.

12. MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED! I have tomorrow off from school. What a random and current thing. I just opened the e-mail. I even cabbage patched and ran into the the living room. Sean predicted it and he's never, even seen SNOW! I promised to send him a ton of pictures and make a few snowballs and freeze them. Isn't that cute? He actually asked if I would freeze snowballs for him. If I pitch them at him it's my own plan.

13. My other prayer is still awaiting an answer. Coconut fudgeballs become magically fat free. PLEASE,GOD! I've been a good girl, Kinda, and it's for the good of human kind. Imagine all the happy,sweet people who would be even sweeter if they had chocolate to eat. YEAH,BABY!

14. Going to go shopping with the besties again sooner or later. I want some knee length boots and some really cool pants and stuff. We shall see.

15. Austin's upset because school is ending early tomorrow and I have the day off. Hahaha! FOR ONCE! Usually it is so the other way around.

16. So,what do you all think of the pictures of the Red Sox players I've been posting? I actually think that I know which one's you'll like. I get the feeling that Amy might like Josh Beckett. You know provided she looks at his picture once. Yeah, Josh is spell binding. WHAT A HOTTIE!

17. Has anyone seen the new show I (Almost) Got Away with It. It's on Investigation Discovery and basically covers escapes. Yup. People who've escaped prison. There ya go. A good example set for all.

18. Why am I humming Time to Get a Gun by Miranda Lambert?

19. Mom and FBIL both have doctors appointments tomorrow so store a positive thought for them. Thanks.

20. At last number 20. It seems like forever before I get here. Right now I'm off to place a certain phone call and go curl up on the bed with a mug of something warm. It rhymes with smot lockalote.

Simple Woman's Daybook

I stole this, Yeah, again!, from Amy! Go say hi because Amy's flippin' awesome. Just an update on the Sean situation. He just let me know he's out of work and headed safely home. I suspect he will do his usual. Take his Beagle,Mac, out for a potty run, go home, flip on his TV, and heat up some leftovers. Poor, guy. According to him the cooking lessons aren't going well. "It's amazing." he told me last night. "I cook something and it's gleaming red,raw on the inside and BURNT on the outside." You know a man who can own his flaws...very attractive.

Anyway, here's the Simple's Woman's Daybook. ENJOY!

FOR TODAY... February. 8th,2010

Outside my window...Oddly quiet. I suspect it's because we're due for a huge storm. No cars on one side of the street, probably a city wide parking ban, and it's dark out except for the street lights.

I am thinking...about Sean, school tomorrow, and putting on a layaway. I need to try on pants. My jeans are getting freakishly big. It's like I'm shrinking or something. Anyway,I'm sorta hoping we get a blizzard and I don't have to trek to Fall River tomorrow but maybe not. It gets boring sitting around with nothing to do.

I am thankful for... getting to have some fun today and not having to focus on too many unpleasurable topics. Oh, except for my newer coat being so totally donezo. The zipper got stuck the other day and now every time I need to zip the f'n thing the zipper gets STUCK! KILL ME! So, I'm back in my old coat.

I am wearing...my brand new Red Sox jammies. It consists of a blue tank top with the Boston Red Sox's B and a pink heart and the pants are the same,blue with the logo, and hearts. Very cute.

I am remembering...that I have a biology test in two weeks and I bombed out on the quiz so obviously I need to come up aces for the test.

I am going...to bed soon. I have two classes tomorrow and I should be getting research paper selection for art history in class. I'm sort of thinking it'll be the Bayeou tapastry or something by Giotto.

I am currently reading..."My Sister's Keeper" by Jodi Piccoult. I am looking into getting a copy of "The Other Boelyn Girl" to read out of the school liberary.

I am hoping...that school gets canceled or we get done earlier then usual. I want this week to go by fast.

On my mind...Sean. I just cannot believe how all this has happened. I just am in shock over the whole situation. His visit has so much more impact now. All this stuff we're talking about now carries more signfigance and I'm just looking forward to being able to look at his face and reach out and touch his hand. That's that thing we're talking about getting to do while he's here. Holding hands. That's as far as we've thought. Holding hands.

Noticing that...I don't have to reload my book bag. Thanks to today's cancelation I actually have all the stuff from Thursday still in there and it's all the stuff I'll need for tomorrow.

Pondering these words..."Have you ever noticed that the people who are pro-life are also in favor of the death penalty?" George Carlin. Yup, it's true and ever notice that the people who are anti-infedelity are people you'd NEVER wanna screw in the first place?! Look, at all the guys who went after Bill Clinton and ask yourself,"Would I hook up with ANY ONE of them?" No, indeed you would not.

From the kitchen...if I wasn't listening to Miranda Lambert, "Only Prettier" I might hear the filters on Widget, Donatello and Michaelangelo's tanks but dad's laying in the living room watching TV, there's the birds, and I can hear mom snoringso...from the kitchen? I hear nothing!

Around the house... I need to get a move on and finish this. I want to be nice and alert for my boring math class tomorrow.

One of my favorite things...when everyones asleep or at least in bed and I sorta have the place to myself. I can sing along with my Miranda Lambert cds or watching Family Guy without hearing,"Don't watch that in front of the boys!"

A picture I'm sharing...the Red Sox logo. Pitchers and catchers report in 2 WEEKS! Yeah,yeah,yeah. It means that I will be watching baseball. With SEAN! How cool is that? Oh, and no, he's not a fan but I figured that there's no better place, or team, on the planet to familiarize him with then the Boston Red Sox. Oh, and because I'm feeling nice and sweet I also am posting another picture of yet another hottie Red Sox pitcher.

He's number 2 amongst the Red Sox aces. Actually, I call him and Beckett number 1 and 1A. Meet Jon Lester. Or as he is more commonly known as Mr. Power Lefty Who Overcame Cancer

and went onto No Hit a team. Yes, he's that freakin' good and not to mention he's freaking, stinking hot! I'm hoping for another No-No this season and frankly if I had to place cash on the guy to give it to us my money is on Jonathan Tyler Lester.

I'ts Only Strange When I Suspend Logic.

I am not a person who believes in romance. No don't get me wrong I get the concept,okay? That being said I sort of have issues with relationships. That said I have totally given up on the idea I might meet someone. Okay, let me clarify I haven't TOTALLY given up but let's just say usually when I'm sitting around thinking about previous relationships I usually have to admit that the thoughts that,"This is just not working out." and "I don't think I really love this person." have entered my mind and each time this has taken place I have calmly stuffed away my fears and thought about things in terms of what's better for me. Being alone or being with someone and still feeling alone.

Usually, by the time I've reached the conclusion that I'd rather be free of dead weight something awful happens and either I break up with them or they break up with me. Still, I wonder about love and relationships because seemingly I just cannot get it right. Anyway, over a few years span I have skeptically watched people go on line, start talking to someone and convince themselves they are in love. NO! I'm not saying I don't believe them, I'm not saying their relationships won't work but what I'm saying is I never believed that I could talk someone,establish a connection and actually fall for someone. You all get where this is going? Well, sorta.

Today was actually kind of fun. My biology lab was canceled and I had made plans to go shopping with the girls. We piled in and trooped to Walmart thinking we'd hit the sales to find some things for us all. I picked up a pair of jeans, a cool shirt, a tube of mascara and an adorable pair of Red Sox pajamas. After lunch, at a steakhouse, we returned here to just relax. After the two left it was just me and Tiff because my parents went to bring Gram to the doctors. UGH! This was the point where I slipped the belt around my jeans and guess what? IT DOESN'T FIT! It's too small. I called Jennie up crying and Lil Miss Medium says,"Sweetie, that belt looked too small for me." Anyway, I love my girls because they know what to say to make me feel better.

Anyway, now I'm contemplating putting a layaway on so I can buy some clothes and then I can get some other stuff. Seemingly there's a windfall coming my way but I don't want to discuss it right now. For fear I'll jinx. Okay, so that brings me to the obvious question. WHY MENTION ABOVE WHAT I DID UNLESS I HAVE A REASON?! Well, tonight I'm sitting on my bed and my cell phone goes off, as it has predictable for WEEKS since Sean and I started talking and he has to go into work, and we're talking.

"Hey,Jelly bean." he said. "How are ya?"
"I'm good." I said. "Almost ready to go to work?"
"Yup. I just wanted to call and say,"Hi!" and I wanted to tell you something." he said.
"What? " I asked. "Is this something bad?"
"Not really." he said. "I just wanted to tell you that I love you."

You know normally I'm a verbal spigot. I am never speechless. I am probably capable of being in the most bizare situation and guess what? I DO FINE! Suddenly, I am at a loss for words?! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY?! Wait. He's still on the phone. What exactly do I say?

"Umm...thanks!" I said.

Go ahead. Laugh. I did. Hell, I am. Sean laughed. The girls laughed. Garrett laughed too and I still haven't figured ths all out. Do I love him? Sort of. I feel like a teenager when we talk and that's great but ummm....HOW DO I TELL A GUY I'VE ONLY SPOKEN TO VIA E-MAIL,TEXT,and OVER THE PHONE that I have a big,stupid crush on him? How does this work? I mean I know how to talk to him, I know what I want to say but how do I say it without sounding insane?! I definitely care about him. So, where does this leave us? Well, he texted a bit ago and asked if I was okay. Really I just want to see what happens when he gets here in a few weeks.

Okay, off to check my phone and watch Tv with Angel. Nighters all.

Simple Sunday

"The best laid plans of mice and men sometimes go astray."
"Of Mice and Men" by: John Stenbeck

Of all the books I read in my four years of high school the one that resonated the most was "Of Mice and Men" perhaps because it was the new one. I mean "Romeo and Juliet"? Meh! I read it in eigth grade and having to read it in high school seemed like punishment. Romeo was a moron. EVEN to a young, and desperately in love, teenage girl I never understood why Juliet was so quickly seduced by this boy. He basically was in love with Roselyn through the first act and then he goes to some party,where who in the blinking Hell knows what is served,and suddenly he's in love with Juliet?! Oh, and don't get me started on the suicide. It was so stupid. INSANELY,INTENSELY STUPID!

Hamlet? Well, that one I read independently in eighth grade and in college I read it again. MacBeth was my sophomore year and my English teacher had a serious Jones on "The Outsiders" and "The Red Badge of Courage". By the second one, my senior year, the senioritus was so severe that I didn't even open the book. SERIOUSLY! Anyway, today I was reminded of "Of Mice and Men" when I had planned out my day down to the last detail.

I texted Sean last night and said,"Going shopping tomorrow. I'm psyched." That was the plan. The plan was to shop until we dropped or...til...we ran out of money. All was good too. Tiff and FBIL were supposed to pay me, Mercy was supposed to pick us up and we were off to check out sales, eat taco dogs, and have fun. Just a little female bonding,you know? Two things went wrong and thus my shopping trip unraveled like a cheap ribbon. First, I didn't get my money. For whatever reason that just didn't happen. Tiff had a t-ball meeting, Yes, she's continuing her coaching., and those two chuckle heads never bothered to stop and pick up my cash. (Fifty bucks.) I was a bit annoyed but hey, I could still go. THEY COULD GET MY F'NING CASH AND I COULD GO.....GO...Go!

That's when my cell rang. A weak little voice said,"Hello." It was Mercy. "D, I can't make the shopping trip." she said. "What's wrong?" I asked. "I'm sick." she said. Sonofabanana! She's sick! We're not going anywhere. So, my plan? The two non-sick friends arrived and we watched TV. We watched the 5th game of the World Series in 2008. You know? The Phillies against the Rays? Yeah, I can't watch the other one. Last year?! NO! NUTAH! NO! HELLL,NO! Of course with the Super Bowl being tonight I'm just excited because it means the time for spring training draws nie. Sweet! I cannot wait! I am so looking forward to seeing the Red Sox new, amazing,pitching rotation! Beckett,Lester,Wakefeild,Lackey,Dice-K,and Buccholz?! It's enough to make a Red Sox fan fumble into estacey. BELIEVE ME! I'm SO JAZZED!

After Jennie and Jess left I decided to clean the house. My parents have been saying for the last few days how disgusting everything looks so I decided since I had nothing to do I'd clean the bathroom,dinning room, kitchen and the living room. I even vacuumed and did the dishes. Woohoo! Now I called Mercy a bit ago and she sounds better. I'm hoping, but I'm not saying what I'm hoping for, that we can iron out the details and have some good ole fashioned girl shopping fun tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed!

Decompression and Depression

For whatever it's worth I'm actually feeling sort of better today. Yesterday was pretty rough. I had spent the day trying to sort out my feelings,which for me means dealing with things I don't feel like dealing with on most days, and working things out with myself. See, I focus a lot of attention on others. It's easier then trying to determine exactly what's going on with me and to a certain extent we're all guilty of that but for EVERY little thing that goes on with others is just something that gets added onto my list.

Now I admit that in the past I've been guilty of ducking my own problems and dumping them on someone else. Amazingly enough when I'm talking to Sean I have been guilty of that and his whole approach has been,"As much as I'd love to wrap my arms around you and make it go away I am in California and you are in Massachusetts." You know what? HE'S RIGHT! I'm not able to shirk my responsibility to myself so now instead of rationalizing this,that or the other I have just decided that I need to focus on me and in doing so I will be able to care for others a lot better. Besides, I have finally come to realize that I cannot fix everyone else and the best thing I can do is just listen and work on me.

So, here's the stuff that's been going on the last few days. First, my brother and his new girlfriend, T, came over last night. According to him, his ex called the other night, after telling someone the baby was sick, and Den promptly informed her of two things. First, he wants a paternity test. Now don't misunderstand. My brother is not trying to shirk responsibility to his son but there are some genuine concerns over whether this is his child or not. The ex basically said that the baby, who turned out to be named Issiah, is not my brother's son so what's the kid to do? Secondly, he's going after her for filing a false police report. She alleges that my brother beat her so severely that she nearly lost the baby and the worst,maybe sickest part, is that she REALLY believes that's what happened. First, let me assure everyone MY BROTHER WOULD NEVER HARM A WOMAN! Especially not one carrying his son, or so he thought. She claimed that it was true and that her dad and boyfriend witnessed the assault. Umm...sweetie, what does that exactly saw about the men you have in your life if they witnessed this and did nothing. My brother has been in several relationships and none of his ex's have ever,ever filed complaints like this chick. (P.S. She's nuts!)

The wedding plans are moving along at a pretty quick pace as is my sister's plans to move out. She and mom are working on the flowers and I'm supposed to be getting paid today or tomorrow. More on that in a second! The boys are doing well but we had to replan the trip to the dress place because T got sick and everyones kinda busy so we're going next weekend. Overall, everyones thrilled with the dresses and the colors are nice so I guess that's good.

Now about my new best friend, Oh, and no, I have totally not lost contact with Garrett, Troy, Mercy, Jennie and Jessie,Sean, who is totally amazingly awesome. What a sweetie. Yeah, we're flirting...A LOT...but I think it's good. I don't know what to say about the situation with Dutch except Yogie's informed me that he's moved on. Frankly, as long as he gets his anger under control I'm thrilled for him. When he's not a raging nut he's a good man whose deserves to find someone to make him happy. I'm not sorry it's not me though. I have come to accept that having someone take care of you isn't all it's cracked up to be because it leaves you wide open for some awful stuff. The key thing I'm working on is taking care of me. I mean that's the key to it all. Realizing that I am a completely awesome person with no one around and I think I'm there.

That's why things with Sean feel so good for me. I don't have to be pleasant all the time. I don't have to act like everything's okay but I just have to know that I am perfectly capable of fixing my own messes without a guy's input. So, what exactly does that mean? Well, the talks with Sean are just fun. We make each other laugh and are all ready making plans for his,Troy and Garrett's visit. First, they will be arriving the week of spring break and just by sheer luck spring training starts that week so we have a lots of baseball to watch. We're planning on some fun things together, of course Garrett and Troy are planning on spending time with Garrett's parents and stuff so that's a lot of Sean and me time. (We have no idea what we'll do but I think I'll have something in mind.)

Actually, he's all ready promised to cook me dinner which kinda has me worried. WHY? Well, he told me he's taking cooking lessons because he can't...umm...cook! "I'm not that into food." he said once. "Just put it on the plate and I'll eat but I cannot cook." So, he says that in between working, volunteering at a local homeless shelter and all he's learning to cook! (He's a cop, he serves people food and he goes to visit sick kids in the hospital with his dog,) Isn't that awesome? Anyway, I am totally looking forward to seeing him face to face and being able to give him a hug. (Oh, and don't get me started on seeing Garrett. It's been so long and I just cannot believe I FINALLY convinced him to come down and pay me a visit.)

Originally today I had planned a shopping trip with the besties. Unfortunately, I wound up with a wicked headache and couldn't go. It was the kind of headache where productive thoughts disappear so I curled up in bed, had a joyous cheat day and was relaxing. I watched an I Love Lucy marathon, which Sean texted to remind me of, and spent some time playing with Angel. Tragically,my dieting success is not going well. Today was a really rough day and quite depressing. My goal is simple. I want to fit into my coat. That's it. It's simple,right? Well, tonight, with the snow in the forecast, I took Angel outside and now bare in mind, I'm wearing my favorite red tee-shirt, jeans, a Kermit the frog hoodie, and a winter coat, in other words according to Sean I'm bluckafied,so while I'm out there and the wind is HOWLING I quickly go to zip my coat when the whole thing just SPLITS!

BAD COAT! BAD! BAD! I'm dismayed. I'm destroyed. I'm DISGUSTED! CRESTFALLEN! All those things and I'm cursing myself for not loosing weight. I get upstairs and I have to have three people help get me out of my coat. Oh, the humiliation! Dad had to pull the zipper, mom had to hold the zipper together and Tiff had to sit on the sidelines and laugh her ass off. I so did not need the last one and the worst part was for that briefest of moments I was the thing I revile being most. THE CENTER OF ATTENTION! This is why I hate weddings. The single chick, whose seeking quality is NEVER, not the center of f'ning attention. I am standing there, wanting the crawl under the armchair and who cares that it smells like dog pee?! Finally, after some anxious moments, and me cussing my coat it came off.

I called Garrett crying. Look, every girl has that moment and thankfully my gubby, my gay hubby, knew exactly what to say. "D, you were wearing more clothes then you'd have worn to the Klondike. OF COURSE YOU FELT FAT! You were layered up til Hell wouldn't have again." It was reassuring to hear it and I had to convince myself that three layers of clothing would be the destruction of my brother's skinny pickle girlfriend. Troy quickly called over Garrett's voice asking,"Is that how we're supposed to dress in New England? Layers?" Garrett said,'NO! T hat's how you're dressing if you're in Antarctica." Sean called me after he got out of work and I told him the whole story. "Did you get your coat off?" he asked laughing. "My parents did." I said. "This was worse then the time when I was little and fell off the bed." "Whoa! HOW WAS THAT WORSE?" he asked. "After my nose stopped hurting they left me alone but it's just like I shouldn't been standing in the middle of the room wearing a tutu and ballet slippers with a halter top." I told him. "Stuck out like a sore thumb,heh? he asked. "Yup!" I said. "It's funny but in certain cases the center of attention thing is annoying." I told him. "You only want it when you can control it." he said.

Yup, I want the center of attention when I can be all charming, cute and sweet. When I'm stuck in my coat just leave me alone. Anyway, sorry for a long entry but I figured you'd like the coat story and I think I've progressed a lot this week. Learned some things about myself. Anyway, it's just a tick past midnight and I'm off to bed. Shopping trip tomorrow and I'm totally jazzed. Nighters all!

Not Much Worth Mentioning

Not much going on. Well, not much worth mentioning. I'm tired, I'm rundown, I'm emotionally drained and that's about it. If you read the entry after Dear someone you can certainly ascertain why. Right now I'm going to get some sleep. Nighters all.

Dear Someone

I found this in Helene's journal! Go say hi. Helene is the mommy of two sets of twins and she's awesome. I have commented before that I cannot read Helene's journal on my cell because if I'm in school I wind up laughing and people think I'm nuts so...I wait until I'm home and I even read some entries to my mom while she was in the hospital. P.S. People who have surgery should avoid Helene's journal until their stitches have healed. Laughter might not be good but mom enjoyed it. So, kudos to you and I'm stealing this! It's called Dear Someone and you write letters to certain people. Here's my attempt.

Dear. Austin,
You're going to be 8 and you're far too young for the,"Duh! My aunt is the dumbest person on Earth" face so stop making it. I know I don't always do things the way you want but giving your,"My God. You are such an idiot" look to me does not help the cause. Tell me what you want and if you say,"OH MY GOD!" one more time I think you'll have to actually pray.

Dear. FBIL,
Please stop walking around without a shirt on. If I cannot walk around with just a tee-shirt on, and underwear, in an apartment where I cook, do chores and care for your child then you have to wear at least a jog bra! Oh, and I"m not even sure what's more disgusting. The moobies or the back titties. COVER THEM BOTH UP! Oh, and ummm..dude...soap. Uh,yeah. Soap. Just saying is all.

Dear. Angel,
You are the cutest doggy in the whole world and mommy loves you very much but seriously. DO YOU HAVE A BLADDER THE SIZE OF AN F'Ning PEANUT OR WHAT?! Every morning without fail you urinate in the house. What is up with that? Do I need to put a diaper on you? I'm afraid to do that cosidering we've had the poop matted into the fur issue before. I DON'T WANT TO PICK CRAP OFF YOUR BUTT AGAIN! I don't want to wipe your butt. I don't like wiping Collin's butt but for you it's worse because there's hair back there and I'm never quite sure if I got all of it. Oh, and another thing. STOP BARKING AT EVERYTHING! You got a second to bark and then it's annoying. STOP BARKING FIVE MINUTES AFTER PEOPLE ENTER THE HOUSE! At this point, I know they're here.

Dear. Mommys Who Wear Six Inch Heels to Pick Their Kids up from School,
I commend your fashion sense but ummm....perhaps when you're picking up your six year old from school it's not the best time to dress like Paris Hilton. SERIOUSLY! None of the dudes at the school are worth dating, much less screwing, and ummm...well, the skimpy outfits and bang me heels just make you look desperate.

Dear. People Who Wear Pajamas In Public,
WHY?! WHY?! I don't really have much elese to say other then you're wearing a white see-through tee-shirt, Ummm...honey, you could cut diamonds, a thong,which if you pulled your pants up I wouldn't notice, and pajama pants. It's like you don't care how you look and this same rule applies to students at school. WHAT MADE YOU THINK YOU SHOULD GO OUT OF THE HOUSE LIKE THAT? It takes five minutes to put on clothes. You know? I don't get it. YOU put on underwear, you put on a bra, you put on socks, and yet somewhere along the way you didnt' think to put on ummm...PANTS?! A MOO-MOO?! HOW ABOUT A GRASS SKIRT?! A KILT? Please,stop that!

Dear. Teenager Across the Street,
Why should I have to look at your underpants? The pants you're wearing are seriously too big and if you ever had to outrun someone they'd fall around your ankles in three or four steps. The fact is you look absurd. YOUR POCKETS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ON YOUR BUTT NOT PAST YOUR KNEES. Put daddy's pants away and try to find some that fit you. Thanks!

Dear. Collin,
You are the most adorable little boy ever but PLEASE stop flinging yourself at me. Today when I got home and you ran at me screaming,"AUNTIE!" my heart melted but my knees buckled and I fell on floor when you leapt into my arms. I love but give but give me five minutes and I can love you without needing a crash helmet. Thanks.